Toxic: Recognizing Toxic Traits in Yourself

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Recently I’ve been in the depths of a self-care/self-healing journey. One aspect of that involves taking a step back to reflect, look in the mirror, and dig deep into what I want and who I am. This is not always a fun process, in fact, it’s far from.

If you’re in the middle of this process yourself then you know just as well as I do that discovering yourself is not always great. Sometimes you learn what you’re great at, other times you realize what you need to work on. That’s where I’m at.

In recent months I’ve come to realize that I can be a toxic person. Can be, doesn’t mean that’s who I am, but it is a part of myself that I need to work on. I came to this realization after separating from my husband and starting to form new relationships. I learned I can be selfish, I struggle to respect other’s boundaries, and I can be compulsive. Not good things to learn about yourself but important. Let me tell you why:

Learning about your toxic traits gives you an opportunity to grow

This is a learning process. The more circumstances show you who you really are, and the more you accept it, the more you grow. Acknowledging that you have toxic traits help you begin the process of correcting them. Without that acknowledgment, nothing changes.

Accepting the bad parts of yourself is self-love

Learning about the negative parts of yourself and accepting them is a part of the journey. You must recognize that you are human above everything and you will make mistakes. Learning to love the bad parts of yourself makes it all the more easier to accept and love the good parts of yourself as well.

Change is possible

Once you’ve accepted that these traits are there you can begin the hard work of correcting them. It doesn’t happen overnight but with time, you can become the highest version of yourself. That doesn’t mean these things will completely vanish, it just means you’ll be aware enough to recognize when you’re displaying them.

Personally, recognizing my toxic traits has been a good thing for me. I feel better about myself knowing that I’m self-aware and that I’m taking steps to better myself. For me, it’s been about addressing past trauma and recognizing how my past experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. It may be that for you as well, or maybe not. Regardless, learning to accept ALL of who you are is worth it.

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Terrible Two

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So my tiny baby isn’t so tiny anymore! Yesterday was his second birthday and It’s so strange to look back and see how much he has grown. It’s like some sort of strange dream.

I never knew my life could change so much in just two years but this little guy has really changed things for the better. It’s really incredible how being a mommy has changed me, I never knew it was possible to care about one person this much.

I couldn’t help but make a quick little sappy post to reflect on what it feels like to watch him grow. It’s hard to express my feelings toward my little man because it’s so much deeper than most even realize. I don’t have many close relatives, I never knew what it felt like to have a close bond with parents or family members. For the most part I’ve always felt alone. So the bond we have is magical to me. I feel like I finally have a “real” family.

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It’s so sweet to watch him eat his little cake and get messy and have no concept of what is happening. It lights me up to watch him play with gifts and run around with toys excited and full of life. I never want it to change. I hope he stays this happy forever.

This post may seem like a journal entry, and it sort of is. I want to look back next year and see how much more he has grown and just enjoy the fact that I get to continue to watch it happen.

In other news, it seems to be becoming a birthday tradition for him to get sick the next day. Poor baby couldn’t hold a thing down all day, and I spent the day worried, taking care of him. That’s all a part of the job though and I’ll gladly snuggle my little man until he feels better.

Despite all the stresses plaguing me and my little family I’ll continue to take time to reflect on how lucky I am to have this sweet boy.

Will update with more toddler posts soon.

Until next time

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Season of Thanks!

I wanted to start November on a much lighter note than my last post. It’s that time of year where we begin to reflect on all the things we are thankful for.

Though I believe we should do this year round it’s easy to forget and good to be reminded.

Throughout the course of this month I want to reflect on all the things I am grateful for no matter how big or small so…

FIRST THINGS FIRST!

One of my BIGGEST blessings in this entire world has to be my little boy!

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Being a mommy is hard. It doesn’t come without it’s frustrations especially when you are like me and live in your head, but my son really does motivate me to be great and do great things!

I don’t come from a close family, I don’t have close relatives. I only speak to one blood relative to date. So having my son means so much more to me than many can imagine.

I’ve never felt as important or as needed as I have since becoming his mother. I am thankful for those tiny hugs I get after a long day of classes. I’m thankful for the joy in his face when I finally have time to go out and play with him.

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I am thankful that he reminds me to find the joy in the little things!

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Because of him I am able to remember what it’s like to be a child and be sincerely happy with so little. As an adult that’s spent much of her adolescence sad and angry, having that makes a world of  difference.

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I’m so thankful to be able to watch him grow and learn.

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I’m so thankful God chose me to be his mommy and his tiny but firm hugs lets me know he is grateful for me too!

What are you grateful for this season?

One important thing every married woman should know!

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When Mike and I first got married I was still extremely young and still unsure of who I was, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Marrying Mike is still one the greatest things that has ever happened to me but it hasn’t been easy.

Marriage has taught me so much about myself, and my husband. One thing is for certain there are many things I still hadn’t learned about my partner (or realized about men in general) that I’d wished I’d known before.

So let me get to the point, the big reason I’m writing this is because I just realized this one major thing and it’s going to sound dumb so bear with me.

Men and women see things from two totally different perspectives! So the way we view love and respect are totally different.

Now you’re probably going “DUH, everyone know’s that,” and you’re probably thinking you’re wasting your time reading this but just hold on a second.

While I always thought I understood this concept I really did not until recently. I’d been reading this book given to me by my bible professor for my Christian families class entitled “For women only”. While reading the chapter on respect I had a major “DUH” moment (Feldhahn warned this would happened) and realized almost all of our fights prior to this knowledge could have been prevented.

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I’d already started to understand just how much RESPECT meant to men and how important it is for them to feel respected by their spouse. However, I’d failed to realize that I didn’t know how to respect him in the way he needed. Respect is probably one of the most important things you can do for your husband, but sometimes we don’t realize that even if we DO respect them we may not be showing them that.

Then I started to realize how many other married women out there were constantly disrespecting their spouses without realizing or even intending to. I then started to think back on times when I personally just felt like I was expressing my thoughts or feelings and realized how rude they may have come off to my husband.

For example my husband recently pointed out to me that every time he goes grocery shopping instead of being happy for what he got, I point out everything he forgot to get or complain about what he did get. While this may seem minor in my mind and maybe yours this was a sign of disrespect for him. For him he was simply doing what he thought was right and I was unintentionally being rude by insulting his choices.

The feminist in me screams “it’s not my fault masculinity is so fragile” but then I have to remind myself men DO have feelings. When you give someone your love and trust it hurts when they disrespect you, and while we may have different ways of reacting to that hurt it’s important nonetheless to know that it’s there.

I’ve learned that sometimes things we as women may think of as minor statements could be seen as a huge sign of disrespect to our men. There has been many times I’ve dismissed my mans opinion without realizing how rude I was being. Many times I’ve questioned his judgement without intending to.

What our men really want is for us to respect them. For them, love and respect go hand in hand and the way we go about doing so shows them just how much they mean to us.

I hope this post can help someone or at least spark conversation needed to prevent future conflict.

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Love sees truth!

When it comes to Interracial couples many like to say that “Love sees no color.” That statement is simply untrue!hubandi6

When Mike and I first met the first thing we noticed about each other were our differences. I was a small town southern girl, he was a foreign city boy. I was Christian, he was an atheist. I was black and he was white. We noticed these things from the very beginning, this set us apart as a couple. We were different.

Fast forward a few years and we are married with a baby boy. A lot has changed in our relationship and in the world.  A topic that has often come up in our relationship due to recent events, is racial tension.

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We have felt the weight of the world’s issue with this (especially in America) on our relationships, and I constantly feel obligated to justify why we are together to those who don’t understand it.

A huge misconception that bothers me the most is the idea that interracial couples ignore race completely… This is not the case at all. We haven’t decided to ignore each other’s differences we decided to accept them.

Throughout the course of our relationship, we have spent a lot of time learning about each other and why we are so different. I shared my culture with him, and he shared his. This has only helped us grow as a couple. When we say we wish the world could be “like us” we are speaking on the issue of not accepting each other’s differences. It takes tolerance and understanding to grow as people.

My husband and I are together because we accept our differences not because we pretend we are the same. We recognize that we are not that same. We find that that is what makes us unique and beautiful. I would not have learned as much as I have had I’d married someone exactly like me. We want to carry the idea of tolerance and love and spread it to others because we feel our relationship is a reflection of just that.

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When we look at our little boy we see love. We see a beautiful combination of cultures come together as one.

There are still so many who look at us and see something wrong.

We need to accept that we are all different, but learning about those differences will do more good than ignoring them.

Spread more love!