One important thing every married woman should know!

When Mike and I first got married I was still extremely young and still unsure of who I was, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Marrying Mike is still one the greatest things that has ever happened to me but it hasn’t been easy.

Marriage has taught me so much about myself, and my husband. One thing is for certain there are many things I still hadn’t learned about my partner (or realized about men in general) that I’d wished I’d known before.

So let me get to the point, the big reason I’m writing this is because I just realized this one major thing and it’s going to sound dumb so bear with me.

Men and women see things from two totally different perspectives! So the way we view love and respect are totally different.

Now you’re probably going “DUH, everyone know’s that,” and you’re probably thinking you’re wasting your time reading this but just hold on a second.

While I always thought I understood this concept I really did not until recently. I’d been reading this book given to me by my bible professor for my Christian families class entitled “For women only”. While reading the chapter on respect I had a major “DUH” moment (Feldhahn warned this would happened) and realized almost all of our fights prior to this knowledge could have been prevented.

I’d already started to understand just how much RESPECT meant to men and how important it is for them to feel respected by their spouse. However, I’d failed to realize that I didn’t know how to respect him in the way he needed. Respect is probably one of the most important things you can do for your husband, but sometimes we don’t realize that even if we DO respect them we may not be showing them that.

Then I started to realize how many other married women out there were constantly disrespecting their spouses without realizing or even intending to. I then started to think back on times when I personally just felt like I was expressing my thoughts or feelings and realized how rude they may have come off to my husband.

For example my husband recently pointed out to me that every time he goes grocery shopping instead of being happy for what he got, I point out everything he forgot to get or complain about what he did get. While this may seem minor in my mind and maybe yours this was a sign of disrespect for him. For him he was simply doing what he thought was right and I was unintentionally being rude by insulting his choices.

The feminist in me screams “it’s not my fault masculinity is so fragile” but then I have to remind myself men DO have feelings. When you give someone your love and trust it hurts when they disrespect you, and while we may have different ways of reacting to that hurt it’s important nonetheless to know that it’s there.

I’ve learned that sometimes things we as women may think of as minor statements could be seen as a huge sign of disrespect to our men. There has been many times I’ve dismissed my mans opinion without realizing how rude I was being. Many times I’ve questioned his judgement without intending to.

What our men really want is for us to respect them. For them, love and respect go hand in hand and the way we go about doing so shows them just how much they mean to us.

I hope this post can help someone or at least spark conversation needed to prevent future conflict.

– Rere

The wrong path

One thing I have always struggled with in my adult life is where I am in my life. In an age of social media and posting the highlights of our lives to share with each other as well as the rest of the world, I found myself constantly comparing.

I’m sure I’m not the only one, we all do it. We stare at photos of attractive strangers on Instagram, and watch the travel vlogs of people who don’t even know we exist wishing we had what they had. Well at least I do.

The problem with this is I begin to see faults in my own life. I begin to think there is something wrong with where I am in my own life.

You see, society sets up this path of how life should look if we are successful, if we are doing things the “right” way.

I’ve spent A LOT of time wondering what the “right” way meant.

I did not grow up with both parents. Is that wrong?

I didn’t have a loving relationship with the relatives I did grow up with. Is that also wrong?

I didn’t finish college, get married and then have a child. Instead I went to college, got dumped, started dating, struggled with depression, failed classes, went to work to pay for school, got married, traveled abroad, had a kid and returned to finish.

Is that wrong?

That is a question I’ve asked myself for a while now. It’s interesting to me that society has placed this idea of what our lives should look like and expect all of us, no matter how different, to fit that mold.

I find myself discontent and feeling judged constantly because I’m not at the place in my life others expect me to be, I’m not at the place people say you SHOULD be at 23.

I’ll admit sometimes others aren’t great at helping me feel like my life is fine, in fact just the opposite. Others seem to feed into the idea that we should all follow this specific path if we must become successful, and if you aren’t you’re basically just catching up.

One thing I’ve had to sit down and tell myself is that my life is my own.

This is the most important thing I’ve ever learned about my life. It is unique to me. My experiences are my own and no one else’s. Every single choice I’ve made has shaped me into the woman I am today, good or bad.

The issue comes when I and others choose to compare lives. We feel like we all have to measure up to this made up standard of what a good life is. We fail to realize a good life could look like many things. Living a successful life is relative, its all about the perspective of the one living that life.

I’m writing this mostly for myself, to remind myself that my life may not look as picture perfect as those around me, but it is my own. I am doing what is best for me and my family, and that is beautiful.

 

 

 

How we met

Mike and I met at Harding University. I (Rere) was a confused freshman learning who I was and excited to meet new people. Mike was an upperclassmen and foreign city boy who stood out with his “biker” inspired outfits and tall height. We met through a mutual friend and clicked from the beginning. I ran into him on campus while stopping to say hi to our mutual friend. All I could say to him was “wow, you look like a rock star!”

He was different. Many of the kids at our private christian college were similar in style, dress and personality… but he stood out. Maybe it was the accent but I found myself attracted to him, and I definitely let it show.

The first day I met him I saw him again that evening at a local coffee shop with our mutual friend. I’d gone with a group of friends but was too distracted by his presence there to focus on what they were discussing. I decided to walk over and say hello. I initially thought he was from New York City, I’m a small town girl who had hardly seen or heard anything outside of Arkansas. I wasn’t very ‘cultured’ to say the least. He just giggled and said he was from Belgium. I’m ashamed to admit I had no idea what Belgium was before this conversation, but as soon as he told me I was beautiful in French I was sold. He walked me to my dorm that night, and we exchanged numbers.

I’d often help him study, and we quickly became close friends. Everything happened so naturally. I found myself wanting to be around him daily, he became the best part of my day. I had a period of time where I isolated myself from everyone in the midst of dealing with family issues. Mike was the only one who was there for me. He took me in when I had nowhere else to go, and we became closer than ever.

Returning for my second year of college, I wasn’t as close to everyone as I had been previously. I no longer felt like I fit. I’d had a hard summer and lost interest in everything and everyone. I fell into a deep depression, I stayed in my room and missed a lot of classes.  I slept A LOT during the day, and stayed up late at night. I cried everyday. I had no contact with my family and no one reached out to me aside from Mike. He was the only one I felt comfortable talking to. We were like best friends, I felt that I could confide in him and he would actually be there to listen.

Oddly enough he never asked me to be his girlfriend. He never even proposed. He simply walked in one day and told me “maybe you should put this on” and slid a gold wedding band on my left ring finger. Poor guy nobody told him an engagement ring and a wedding band are too different things. However, when I saw he had both our names engraved I was in awe. I didn’t even realize this was something that had been on his mind. I didn’t have to say “yes” he already knew the answer, he already knew me so well.

We got married quickly, and young. I think a lot of people had concerns and doubts about that. Our wedding was the day after my 20th birthday, and I’m sure to this day some people think we are  insane for getting married so young, but we never felt an ounce of regret.

3 years later and we have been through SO much together. We’ve had highs and we’ve had lows. We loss loved ones, and we gained a beautiful baby boy. We laughed, cried, yelled, screamed, and joked. We held each other in hard times, we calmed each other in rough times, we encouraged each other in dark times, we laughed with each other in good times, and we smiled with each other at joyful times. Many probably didn’t think we would even make it this far, but we continue to grow together everyday.

I’m forever thankful for that day freshman year when I ran into this man and he became apart of me forever.